People are actually hurt by this, because they love you and don't want
to see you in pain and hating yourself. Even if it's not your immediate family, there is always
someone - no, multiple people - who care about you and want the best for you.
It took me far too long to realise this - in fact, I didn't realise it until I saw my younger brother crying because of it. For me, this really says something, because hardly anything makes him cry, let alone from emotional pain. And it then that I felt really terrible - because one of the things I try to do, more than anything, is avoid hurting people, whether physically or emotionally.
For a long time, I'd convinced myself that self-harm was the best way to cope because it didn't physically hurt anyone else...and in fact, no one in my immediate family seemed overly upset about it. But it was because - and my stepmum admitted this - that they were treating the issue too gently, like they were treading on eggshells. I only realised tonight that my stepmum and my dad were really upset about it, to the point where my dad ended up bandaging my wrists for me, after finding out that I'd cut my wrists again after a huge drama.
My friends who knew about it had visibly expressed being upset before, and even offered me suggestions about alternatives to self-harm...which I was grateful for, but I kept forgetting or not paying attention to when I was actually in pain. Because at the times I deliberately hurt myself, it was because I felt the need to punish myself for things I convinced myself that I'd done. I'd always been convincing myself that it was my fault whenever my family and friends were upset, no matter what evidence there was to go against it, to tell me that it wasn't my fault.
Basically, my mindset for a long time has been things like: "It's my fault." "If I recover from depression and anxiety, will I become ignorant to people's problems?" "I'm a nuisance." "It doesn't matter what I do to myself anymore."
Now that I've finally come to terms with the fact that self-harm does hurt people, and that's the only thing I've been doing wrong, I'm going to try and make a promise to myself, and my friends and family, and everyone else.From this day forward, I'll do my best to find alternatives to self-harm, and I'll be more active in my search for ways to improve my self-esteem.To my immediate family
- Mum, Dad, Kim, John and Ian - I'm sorry for doing this to myself. I've only realised tonight that it hurt you guys, and I'll do my best not to do it again.To my not-so-immediate family
- Grandad, Billy, Aunty Caroline - even though I rarely or never talked about this with you guys, I'm sorry.To my two stepbrothers
- Jesse and Cody - honestly, you two make me angry and upset a lot. But I'm going to do my best to find respect for you again, because you're human beings and you deserve to be treated as such. Heck, you two have a lot of potential to become better people - and I hope to see you make use of it.To my closest friends in person
- Emma, Lauren and Eden - I'm sorry for taking what you said for granted. I can't apologise enough for this, and I promise that I'll do my best not to do this again. I love you guys so much, and I'm happy that you've been here for me and actively trying to help me.To my other friends that I've met in person
- not just at school, but in many places - again, even though I never discussed this with you guys, I'm sorry. And I'm also grateful that you've been here for me, and so kind to me. To those from school: I'm going to find those letters from the Year 10 and 11 camps, and put them on my bedroom walls so that I can look at them for a long time. And if they fall off the wall, I'll put them back again.To my friends that I've met online
- Amy, Micky, DJ, Aither, Piano and Cesil - I rarely or never discussed this with you guys, and I'm sorry. But I'm going to do my best to recover, and be a better friend to you guys. I hope that there'll be a day soon where I can meet all of you guys in person.To my followers on DeviantART, Tumblr, Twitter, and other social media sites
- to really active commenters like Tyson and Samurai, and people who don't talk to me - thank you for being so kind to me. The fact that there are a lot of people who like my art and other silly creations is really wonderful. 81 watchers on deviantART and 82 followers on Tumblr might seem like a small number to some people - but thinking about it, that's more than the number of students enrolled in the degree that I'm doing at university right now. The fact that there are people, who I haven't met in person, who really like my stuff - it makes me really happy, more than I could possibly put into words. And you know what? I'm going to do my best to recover, so that I can make more wonderful things for you guys.
If there's anyone I've missed - since my memory tends to slip at times - thank you to you too. Yes - even to you, who's reading this line right now. Thank you so much. To anyone who's struggling with self-harm or anything else that's hurting them, don't give up.
You have so much to live for, even if you can't see what's around the corner right now. Do your best to keep going, because even if it takes a long time, there's always something - or someone - waiting for you. And by someone, it could be anyone - a friend, family member, romantic partner (if you're interested, that is) - absolutely anyone.
No matter how long it takes, you can make it. If I made it up to this point, where I've finally found a reason to recover, then you can too.
I love you.